This Headache

I have a headache.

I'd like to think that it's a side affect of the allergy medicine I've been taking but I'm pretty sure it's not. This headache is different. This headache has a root of pain that is not physical. This headache is a symbol of my weariness.

The pursuit of one's dream is a GRUESOME PROCESS that can be tiring, draining, frustrating, time-consuming, painful and altogether UNFORTUNATE. It takes an extremely strong person to know what they want and to pursue it relentlessly until it manifests. But even those of us who are strong get weak at times and lose the will to fight until we break through.

Take me for example. I am a great singer and writer. Say what you will.... (True humility lies in knowing oneself, the context thereof and remaining true to that knowledge by any means necessary). Furthermore, I am avidly passionate about singing, songwriting and everything creative. I've been writing songs since I was 14 and I've been singing since I came out of my mother's womb. Music is one of the greatest assets to my life and without it, I would be the most miserable person ever. I've spent the last 11 years of my life studying and learning how to be a better singer and writer and I have dedicated my life to being a student of music. I've been fortunate to foster a few relationships that have significantly helped  me on my journey and I have been even more fortunate to have mentors who pay attention to my voice and my music and respond to me with the necessary feedback to make me better. People like Kevin Bond, PJ Morton, VaShawn Mitchell and my "dad" Donnie "D-Major" Boynton all have contributed to my development in ways that most may never know but I've finally reached the place of being emotionally stuck in this pursuit.

What is the success system for "making it" in the music industry?? If someone can tell me, I promise I'll apply it and watch it work! If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times: "Work the system and the system will work for you." So what is this system?? Who created it?? How can I make this system work for me??

I've had a pretty tough life. I mean, who hasn't?? The problem though is that I've learned throughout the course of my existence that I'm not good enough. You'll have to read my book to get the full scoop on where this ideology comes from but this is something that my life experiences has taught me. Last night, I almost got stuck in accepting this fact as truth and it almost destroyed me. I wanted to give up. I wanted to stop writing, stop singing and stop believing.

The one thing that I don't doubt I'm good enough at to do without any question is singing background. I'm not the best singer in the world by far but when it comes to understanding the role, the responsibility and the art of singing background, I've learned it. Granted, I'm ALWAYS learning but I have a solid enough foundation to continue singing background on the professional level as I have been for the past 4 or so years. I've been fortunate to sing background for and share the stage with some amazing artists over the past few years including Tye Tribbett, Israel Houghton, JJ Hairston, VaShawn Mitchell, Ted Winn, Jonathan Nelson, Sheri Jones-Moffett, Darwin Hobbs, Earnest Pugh, Jennifer Holliday, Angie Stone, Eric Roberson and many others but I've not found "my place" with any of these artists. Does that mean I'm not good enough??

I have a LOT of friends in the industry who are doing some AMAZING things with some AMAZING people. I know I shouldn't but from time to time, I can't help but compare myself to them in an attempt to understand what makes them "stick" to their opportunities while I'm tossed from one random opp to the next when a temporary need is created. I'm by NO means jealous of my friends. I support each of them as they deserve to be supported. But... What about me??

Hence this headache. I'm looking for the opportunity that's going to "put me on the map" but right now I'm so far off the map, I don't even know how to BEGIN being found. Smh. How do I combat these thoughts of incompetence when I have nothing weighty enough to fight with?? Where is my chance to prove myself wrong; saying that I am good enough to write a song for a major artist and have them fall in love with it enough to pick it up, record it and release it as a single?? Where is my opportunity to sing background for that one artist that I FIT with who is already established and is willing to make me a "permanent" part of their team?? Where is that phone call that changes my life forever?? Where is that voice that says, "Aaron, you are good enough to do all that you've set out to do in this industry and you will"??

Well, that voice is this headache. This headache is bringing me closer to my dreams than I have ever been in my life and because of this headache, I REFUSE to quit. I WILL NOT allow my own insecurities and inhibitions to destroy the hope of my future. I have to fight on. And if this headache has to be a part of who I am until I win, so be it.

This headache is serving as an indicator that my journey is REAL. Just like it's better to feel pain than it is to be numb which is in indication that you might be paralyzed, I'd much rather feel this pain than to feel nothing at all. This pain is REAL. Which means that this process is REAL. Which means that my destiny is REAL. Which means that I WILL get there sooner or later. Even though it's trying, I'm not going to let this headache ruin my vision.

In fact, I love this headache.

~AlwaysAaronA~

My Prayer

Nothing else needs to be said other than what is said. My heart.

--

Father God in the name of Jesus.

I plead the BLOOD of JESUS over every single solitary pastor, apostle, evangelist, prophet, teacher, bishop, minister and CHRISTIAN on the face of the earth.

I pray that you would begin to speak directly to each of us to where YOUR voice and YOUR words are UNMISTAKEABLE.

I pray that YOU would deal with YOUR leaders ALL ACROSS THE GLOBE and that YOU bring RESTORATION and ORDER in YOUR kingdom.

I pray that YOUR Spirit would assume its proper place at the zenith of ALL things that represent YOU.

I pray that YOUR blood covers, keeps and restores so that the exhibition of YOUR heart is UNTAINTED.

I pray that YOU raise up leaders in the Body of Christ who are ENTIRELY GOVERNED by YOUR SPIRIT and YOUR SPIRIT ALONE.

I pray that people who don't know You come to find you via experiences with YOU directly and that their relationship with You develops through hearing YOUR voice on a regular basis.

I pray that YOU remove the antics, games, colloquialisms, manipulation, distractions and IMMATURITY that blocks ppl frm coming to know YOU in the pardoning of their sins.

I pray that YOU bring RESTORATION and ORDER to Your house and Your kingdom BY ANY MEANS necessary.

I pray that you use these natural disasters to speak to people all over the world and direct them to YOU.

I intercede on behalf of those who don't know how to communicate with YOU.

I pray that they learn of YOU and that YOU become their place of REFUGE and SALVATION.

I plead the BLOOD of JESUS over every person who decides that it's ok to use YOU to cope or deal with their own insecurities and issues.

I plead the BLOOD of JESUS over every church in this world that holds You at the helm but does not demonstrate YOUR character.

I pray that You raise up leaders who are DEAD to themselves so that YOU can live through them.

I pray for Grace and Mercy to flood YOUR Body and that YOUR TRUE, UNADULTERATED, UNCONDITIONAL, UNWAVERING, UNFAULTED, UNFAILING and UNRESTRAINED LOVE sweep this earth in EVERY imaginable way.

I pray for those that reject YOU for not knowing YOU and that You use whomever/whatever You need to convince them of Your Love for them.

I pray for the leaders of this world that they become sensitive to Your voice and Your move and that they innately know how to handle the issues with which they are presented at the appropriate time.

I pray that in the midst of these natural disasters that are sweeping the earth, YOU use them to yield souls to Your kingdom.

And I pray when the souls come that they not be turned away by people and issues that have rejected Your character.

I PLEAD THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Father finally, I pray that You use Your existing wrath at YOUR discretion.

In the name of Jesus the Christ.

AMEN. 

~AlwaysAaronA~

PROCESS

Do you remember being in your high school math class and in moments of frustration for not understanding the material, you ask the question, “How is this going to help me in the future??” Yeah, I know… I asked the same thing. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered that while we may not need the content of what we were learning at the time, the principle was far more valuable than I ever imagined it would be.

I like math. Didn’t always, but that was before I discovered that I was capable of learning it well enough to succeed in its classes. One of the things I’ll never forget from algebra is PEMDAS: Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally. ;-) That was how we remembered it, but the acronym really stands for Parentheses, Exponents, Multiply, Divide, Add and Subtract. This is the correct formula for solving long-winded problems in algebra. Being the undisclosed rebel I sometimes am, I at times challenged this formula and tried to solve the problems my own way, forsaking the provided and proven formula. I soon discovered that doing it my way continuously lead me to the wrong solution but when I followed the provided formula, I would end up with the correct answer. All I had to do was submit to the process.

Such is my life. As a creative mind who enjoys thinking outside the proverbial box (hence my untold rebellion), I LOATHE the process that I have not chosen for or brought upon myself. I know that we as humans like to be in control and we feel to a certain extent threatened when we don’t have it but seriously thinking about it, do I REALLY want COMPLETE control of my life and everything that happens in it?? Especially considering the fact that I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me or my world… That’s a TON of responsibility that I, in particular am not willing to carry; especially when I have a real live relationship with the One who is in FULL control of EVERYTHING, even the purposeful creation of me. It doesn’t make sense to me to challenge His control. #myopinion

Everybody’s process is different. Each individual’s process prepares them for where they need to go (destiny). Not to compare mine with that of anyone else but my process is more difficult than I care for. Especially since it challenges the timeline I wanted/expected for my life. And the more I live, the harder my process gets. What’s most frustrating is that what my process has produced in me is not visible to the naked eye. However, for the success that will one day be mine, this process is absolutely necessary. And what it has produced and is producing in me carries enough weight to keep me grounded as I see and experience more responsibility throughout the vertical success of my career.

So what do I do?? Do I fight the process or let it take its course?? Which is more important: how I feel and where I am right now or where I see myself in the future?? Honestly, I’m more concerned with the hope of my future than my unfortunate present. Which is more important to you??

Love the process. It has your back. ;-)

Reflections

January 26, 2011

Seventy-two hours ago I turned twenty-five years old. It was more of a turning point than I expected it to be; so much so that a celebration on the actual day was not called for. Don’t get me wrong, I did celebrate the night before and am supposed to go out with my family tomorrow night since I wasn’t with them. But on my actual birthday (and a few weeks prior) I was positioned to REFLECT.

In my time of reflection I paid attention to some things that I’ve noticed within me that has seemingly inhibited me from becoming the vision that I have seen for myself through the eyes of God. They are issues that seemed to me to be minuscule and irrelevant to my general productivity but as I see it now, I was COMPLETELY wrong.

For a long time, I have sheltered insecurities and a lack of confidence and belief in myself for what I desire, am able to and should be doing with my life. I had no idea how significant of a role these insecurities and lack of confidence would play in my lack of productivity. While I have learned to look in the mirror and take responsibility for that which I see, I have never learned to ACCEPT and DEAL WITH what I see which has inhibited me from being productive for me and the vision for my life. No more.

Here’s what I learned, it’s too easy to avoid the mirror and devote your time and attention to the people around you whose success you want to connect with and ride on. This is exactly what I did: I discovered something I was good at, found people who needed what I had and devoted myself wholly to their cause and their benefit, often for SEEMINGLY nothing in return. The problem with this was that their success was just that, THEIR success. Even though I may have contributed in one way or another, I could not claim ownership of their success because it wasn’t mine.

After realizing that I was producing nothing for myself in these endeavors, I figured something must be wrong. And it was. Not that I didn’t acquire training, experience and relationships through these dealings because I absolutely did. What I didn’t get however was the stability and security of a success to call “my own.” No more.

Twenty-five is a monumental age for me. As many times as I’d tried to commit suicide growing up, it’s remarkable that I’m still here. While my former perspective was pitiful for not having anything to call my own through my inability to find a decent job or consistent income of any kind, I have been forced to ask myself the following question: What can you do differently?? I’m sure we’ve all heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results which I have apparently mastered (Yes, I just called myself insane- at least I used to be). No more.

I’ve decided to adjust my professional perspective from solely helping others in devoting time, effort, energy and sometimes even money (that I don’t have) to actively and strategically developing a plan of execution for the vision that is my life. One of the first parts of this plan is getting my autobiography released and accessible to the world which I believe will establish my authentic place in it as a conduit for positivity, productivity and perseverance. This is not something I can do or plan to do on my own but I believe that God will honor my employed faith by sending the right team of people to bring it to life and it will come to pass.

As for my insecurities and former lack of confidence in myself, it’s a daily process to not allow them to control me and my decisions so I wrote a daily confession that I’m challenging myself to speak out loud everyday to keep these parasites under control. This year will be the GREATEST year of my life and I am determined to see it manifest as such by any means necessary. Time to move forward. This time, for me.

Daily Confession

 I AM COMPETENT

I AM CONFIDENT

I AM CAPABLE OF SUCCEEDING

INSECURITIES NO LONGER CLOAK ME

FEAR NO LONGER HOLDS ME

DOUBT IS FAR BENEATH ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED.

I BELIEVE IN ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED.

I BELIEVE IN ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED.

I BELIEVE IN ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED!!!!!