I love people. HARD. Those that are closest to me can attest to this. My love for them and for people in general often acts as an agent of misunderstanding when it comes to my personality and others' perception of me. I've been good so far, at not letting my being misunderstood keep me from being consistent to who I know I am and am supposed to be but with this new understanding, there's no telling what's going to happen.
I've come to the realization that most of my relationships are in many ways. one-sided. One-sided in the sense that the way I communicate love, strength and positive energy is not reciprocated in the way that I expect it. What does this mean?? Does it mean that I am not loved? Not at all. Does it mean that my "friends" are really not my friends?? Not particularly. Does it mean that the expectations of my relationships are unrealistic?? Perhaps. Or, does it mean that a self-assessment is necessary, followed by an assessment of who's who within my circle of friends and an adjustment action to protect myself from my own expectations and emotions?? Bingo.
Recently, I've incorporated periods of quiet time throughout my day for the purpose of listening to my thoughts to hear what I'm telling myself. Because I work for a major entertainment company, I'm surrounded all day and everyday by news, chatter, information and other miscellaneous communication. It's very easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of my daily responsibilities and chores, so much so to where I can too easily find myself literally lost in the haystack of work. The problem with this is that if I'm lost in everything I'm doing, I'm liable to lose control of my responses to the things that happen around me, even when I'm not in the office. In an effort to hold true to the principle I live by; "My response is my responsibility," I have to make time to keep myself un-flustered and un-lost so that I have consistent visibility of my mental and emotional disposition. This quiet time helps me tremendously in that effort.
In today's quiet time, I heard myself thinking about a conversation I had with my Godbrother last night. He and I generally have very good conversations that challenge my thinking which is why I love conversing with him. In any case, in this particular conversation, the more we talked, the more alone I felt. Mind you, my Godbrother is one of the closest people to me on the planet. He doesn't get me all the time and we disagree most all the time. But we listen to each other and we learn from one another, without fail. For some reason though, in this particular conversation, even with him responding to every text message I sent, I felt more and more alone.
As I processed these feelings, I realized that I am looking for my friends to love me the same exact way that I love them. What's wrong with that, some may ask. Well, it's not to say that anything is wrong, but it is to say that my expectation to receive love in a certain way actually limits the way that I can receive love from anyone. You know how you lose something and you spend a bunch time looking for it because you really need it and you never find it until you stop looking for it and no longer need it?? Same idea. My search for specific love-based actions has hindered me from receiving the love that my friends have for me. No, it doesn't come the same way I send it but it comes. My challenge is now, to be open enough to receive it when it comes, regardless of it's form OR who it's from.
As I was working at my desk today, my boss called me into her office to give me an assignment. As she began talking, she stopped and said, "By the way, people are raving about you. A number of my colleagues have called and commented on how much they love your personality without even knowing you, just by how you speak on the phone." And there it was, a love-filled recognition that somebody is paying attention to me AND noticing that I have something special to offer the world around me. When she told me, it hit me hard. I had to stop in that moment and receive that love because I was drained from the loneliness I had been experiencing and seeming lack of a needed love I'd been feeling. This love however, while it may not have come from my Godbrother or any of my friends for that matter, was love nonetheless. It was just enough to get me through the battle of maintaining control of my responses as the victor. It also gave me just the surge of energy I needed to finish my day. :-)
So, here is the point: the facts are, we're all human beings and we need love so that we don't feel like we're alone in the world. The truth is, love is available to everyone of us in a number of ways but we often miss out on receiving it because we're close-minded to the way that it may be presented.
Open your mind. Open your heart. You are loved. If you need evidence, take a breath. If the Creator of life itself didn't love you, care about you or have a reason for you to be here, that would have been impossible. You are loved. I am loved. Be loved.
~AlwaysAaronA~
P.S. - I write these transparent blog posts for a number of reasons. Primarily, it's my therapy. It keeps me from holding all of my thoughts in and letting them control me. Secondly, I'm real with myself. Being real with myself helps me be real with others. Being real with others shows them that in their most quiet moments when no one else is around, SOMEONE understands them. I write this way to show people that they are not alone in the way they think. Most importantly, I hope to inspire you (reading this) to live your BEST possible life by opening the passageway to your heart and connecting with you there so that you are convinced that God/Love is real and it knows exactly where you are. You're never too big or small to be out of His reach. Just in case you didn't know. :-)
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