I'd like to think that it's a side affect of the allergy medicine I've been taking but I'm pretty sure it's not. This headache is different. This headache has a root of pain that is not physical. This headache is a symbol of my weariness.
The pursuit of one's dream is a GRUESOME PROCESS that can be tiring, draining, frustrating, time-consuming, painful and altogether UNFORTUNATE. It takes an extremely strong person to know what they want and to pursue it relentlessly until it manifests. But even those of us who are strong get weak at times and lose the will to fight until we break through.
Take me for example. I am a great singer and writer. Say what you will.... (True humility lies in knowing oneself, the context thereof and remaining true to that knowledge by any means necessary). Furthermore, I am avidly passionate about singing, songwriting and everything creative. I've been writing songs since I was 14 and I've been singing since I came out of my mother's womb. Music is one of the greatest assets to my life and without it, I would be the most miserable person ever. I've spent the last 11 years of my life studying and learning how to be a better singer and writer and I have dedicated my life to being a student of music. I've been fortunate to foster a few relationships that have significantly helped me on my journey and I have been even more fortunate to have mentors who pay attention to my voice and my music and respond to me with the necessary feedback to make me better. People like Kevin Bond, PJ Morton, VaShawn Mitchell and my "dad" Donnie "D-Major" Boynton all have contributed to my development in ways that most may never know but I've finally reached the place of being emotionally stuck in this pursuit.
What is the success system for "making it" in the music industry?? If someone can tell me, I promise I'll apply it and watch it work! If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times: "Work the system and the system will work for you." So what is this system?? Who created it?? How can I make this system work for me??
I've had a pretty tough life. I mean, who hasn't?? The problem though is that I've learned throughout the course of my existence that I'm not good enough. You'll have to read my book to get the full scoop on where this ideology comes from but this is something that my life experiences has taught me. Last night, I almost got stuck in accepting this fact as truth and it almost destroyed me. I wanted to give up. I wanted to stop writing, stop singing and stop believing.
The one thing that I don't doubt I'm good enough at to do without any question is singing background. I'm not the best singer in the world by far but when it comes to understanding the role, the responsibility and the art of singing background, I've learned it. Granted, I'm ALWAYS learning but I have a solid enough foundation to continue singing background on the professional level as I have been for the past 4 or so years. I've been fortunate to sing background for and share the stage with some amazing artists over the past few years including Tye Tribbett, Israel Houghton, JJ Hairston, VaShawn Mitchell, Ted Winn, Jonathan Nelson, Sheri Jones-Moffett, Darwin Hobbs, Earnest Pugh, Jennifer Holliday, Angie Stone, Eric Roberson and many others but I've not found "my place" with any of these artists. Does that mean I'm not good enough??
I have a LOT of friends in the industry who are doing some AMAZING things with some AMAZING people. I know I shouldn't but from time to time, I can't help but compare myself to them in an attempt to understand what makes them "stick" to their opportunities while I'm tossed from one random opp to the next when a temporary need is created. I'm by NO means jealous of my friends. I support each of them as they deserve to be supported. But... What about me??
Hence this headache. I'm looking for the opportunity that's going to "put me on the map" but right now I'm so far off the map, I don't even know how to BEGIN being found. Smh. How do I combat these thoughts of incompetence when I have nothing weighty enough to fight with?? Where is my chance to prove myself wrong; saying that I am good enough to write a song for a major artist and have them fall in love with it enough to pick it up, record it and release it as a single?? Where is my opportunity to sing background for that one artist that I FIT with who is already established and is willing to make me a "permanent" part of their team?? Where is that phone call that changes my life forever?? Where is that voice that says, "Aaron, you are good enough to do all that you've set out to do in this industry and you will"??
Well, that voice is this headache. This headache is bringing me closer to my dreams than I have ever been in my life and because of this headache, I REFUSE to quit. I WILL NOT allow my own insecurities and inhibitions to destroy the hope of my future. I have to fight on. And if this headache has to be a part of who I am until I win, so be it.
This headache is serving as an indicator that my journey is REAL. Just like it's better to feel pain than it is to be numb which is in indication that you might be paralyzed, I'd much rather feel this pain than to feel nothing at all. This pain is REAL. Which means that this process is REAL. Which means that my destiny is REAL. Which means that I WILL get there sooner or later. Even though it's trying, I'm not going to let this headache ruin my vision.
In fact, I love this headache.
~AlwaysAaronA~
