For years after my mom died, I struggled with a need to be affirmed in everything I did. Affirming me was a privilege that she reserved for her love and her love alone. It was an effective process that kept me alive and happy.
Psycholgists have studied how an individual's disabilities and insecurities translate into their behavioral belief system and have reached frighteningly accurate summations. In my case, because I have one less finger than most other humans, my "disability" has translated into my believing that I'm not enough to measure up to others' level of success; even if that success is defined as being a "normal" human being.
No matter how much I've grown over the past 14 years, there remains a subtly gaping hole in my heart where her love and affirmation once resided. Feelings of incompetence, inadequacy and insufficiency have unfortunately satisfied the said hunger in my heart, created by the tapeworm of neglect. They've consistently reminded me of how consistent they are in my life and in actuality, they've been the second most consistent force over my lifetime, second in line to my mother's love.
With these feelings, the effects of rejection (as often as it happens) are magnified in my mind and because of the feelings that frequently surface through my emotions and ultimately my words, I have created an expectation of rejection, failure, incompetence, inadequacy and insufficiency that has materialized in my own lack of belief in my own capabilities, without needing someone to say "Good job man" or "Dude, you're good enough."
No more.
In conjunction with Kirk Franklin's relationship with Fear and its termination by the welcoming of Grace, I hereby renounce my relationship with Rejection and embrace the Love of Self and the application of Confidence in every area of my life.
Rejection: you may very well still visit me from time to time and you're welcome to, only because you make me stronger and give me ammunition to keep fighting. But as for indefinitely living in that space in my heart that was once occupied by love and affirmation, consider yourself evicted. Tell your friends that I've moved on and they're no longer welcomed here. Pack your stuff and bounce.
I'm DONE.
