Well Worth the Wait

I am literally in a state of sheer and complete AWE.

Today has been one of the GREATEST days of my LIFE.

This time four years ago I was working as a banquet server at Maggianos Little Italy in Perimeter mall in Atlanta, GA and I was miserable. I was sleeping on the floor of one of my closest friend's 2 bedroom apartment in midtown and I was barely making enough money to survive day-to-day. Most of the money I was making went to food so that I didn't have to worry about my physical survival so much while I struggled in every other area of my life. I was content but I was not happy. I knew that some kind of way, life had to be better than this.

I'm a man of vision. What feeds my will to live is a hope that things can and will change for the better, if I choose to keep living. This hope has kept me going. It's kept me waking up everyday, looking for new opportunities and trying to find a way out of the struggle, out of the stress and out of the strain of an attempt to merely survive. The more I searched, the more I found. The more I found, the more I tried. The more I tried, the more I failed. And the more I failed, the more I searched. It was a vicious and emotionally draining cycle that at many points, I thought was never going to end. But I maintained a necessary amount of faith that I had in a vision for greater than the struggle I knew and had gotten so used to.

At the beginning of the year when I turned 25, I knew that the new year of my life would bring about some significant changes in and around me, but this... I did not expect. And even though almost the entire year went by before my moment came, the fact is, it came and from where I am now, it was WELL worth the wait.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't know all of what the day would have in store. I knew that it would be a fun-filled and full day; as I had spent time planning a departmental luncheon for my team at work and tonight would be the company-wide holiday party for the NYC offices but I still had no idea what the day had specifically in store for me.

Today, I received more Christmas presents than I have received in my entire adult life. Granted, the gifts are not as important as the thought that went into it but the quality of the gifts speak VOLUMES to the thoughts of who the came from and makes those thoughts tangibly audible.

Aside from the gifts, as I mentioned, today was a departmental holiday luncheon that I was blessed to bear the responsibility of planning. As I arrived to the restaurant before my team, to make sure that everything was in order and satisfactorily set up for us, I shook hands with the private events coordinator (with whom I worked to plan the event) and she introduced me to the two servers who were assigned to our party. After we ate, completed a series of toasts and did our Secret Santa gift exchange, the team verbally thanked and applauded me for the immaculate experience and INCREDIBLE food selection provided for us. They sincerely appreciated me for the work and the thought I put into making the event successful (something I am not used to - being appreciated for my work that is...). To me, that was enough; but before we got ready to leave, the manager of the restaurant came and asked for me. He wanted to shake my hand and apologize for the small mishaps that occurred throughout the event. Then they brought me the check. While looking at the check, I pulled my boss to the side and asked if it was alright to leave additional gratuity for our two servers. She willingly agreed.

I was overjoyed. I took so much pride in calling the servers to the side and showing them that we genuinely appreciated their time and attention to our needs to have a successful event. And I got emotional. I remembered when I was in their shoes, waiting tables, working private events, busting my butt to make the host and the clients happy and praying that they saw my work ethic and chose to reward me with a generous tip and often being let down with no tip at all. I remembered doing all I can to make sure that there was nothing a client needed to enhance their experience that I didn't deliver and receiving $10 on a $1400 bill. I remembered working double and triple shifts from as early as 5:30 in the morning for a breakfast meeting, followed by a lunch and then a dinner and still not making enough money to live on my own. Then to see Kris' (one of our servers) face when she saw the additional gratuity we left her and Adam... My struggle was well worth it.

And then tonight, to be at the company party around soooo many smiling faces and happy spirits with exclusivity, food, drinks, giveaways, music and more, I couldn't help but look up to my Father at different moments throughout the night just to say "Thank You." I was thanking Him for the character and integrity I learned through my struggles that qualified me to earn the responsibility I carry with my job. I was thanking Him for the trust He had put in me to walk through my process without giving up or turning my back on Him although there were MANY times where that's exactly what I wanted to do. I was thanking Him for allowing me to brush shoulders with people (and one very specific person) who I have looked up to for years and who has the job that I want in the future. And to have a conversation with him where he tells me to come by his office any time so he can show me around and introduce me to his team so I can see all of what they do and how they do it?? *sigh* #AWE

I am immensely grateful. I am humbled. I am finally living in my dream wide awake and God is responsible for making it happen.

Friends, I can care less how things around you look right now: DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS. As long as you have a clear vision of the future and the life you want for yourself, write it down, submit it to God and more importantly SUBMIT YOURSELF to God and He will make it happen for you, just as He did and is doing for me. I struggled for the full first 8 years of my adult life and I had no idea that I would have to endure all that I have but from where I am today, it was well worth the wait.

Thank You Jesus.

The Hatred of Being Hated. And ME.

***DISCLAIMER*** 

I write to release. I share because I'm not foolish enough to believe that I'm the only one going through the mind wars I go through. In spite of how much I secretly want to be understood through my writing, I do not write looking for someone to reassure me that I am. Simply, I write to release. This blog is my release. Read at your own discretion.

--

I've been hated.

Over the past few days, I've been heavily thinking about an experience I had in high school where I did something that made a friend disturbingly upset with me and my reaction to it that I cannot forget. Here's what happened:

Our high school choir was finishing up a concert at Convent Avenue Baptist Church in Harlem. We were on the last song of the night which featured two soloists, myself and my aforementioned friend. After she sang her solo and I, mine, there was nothing left to do but some adlibs as the song vamped out. To my understanding at that time, it was perfectly fine for both soloists to tag team the adlibs and enjoy singing together at the end of the song. So, I decided that this time around (we had performed this song a number of times in the past), I would join my friend and sing with her on the adlibs. I sang one line and before I knew it, my friend, the other soloist, had put her microphone down and was storming out of the sanctuary in sheer anger. Completely confused, I proceeded downstairs after the concert was over to find my friend to find out if she was OK. Upon finding her, she looked at me with a piercing disdain and told me to get away from her. I had suddenly become some sort of predator who was out to get her and make her life hell. In that moment and for the next few days, she hated me.

I later discovered after talking with our music teacher that she was obviously upset that I didn't allow her the full space of the spotlight by singing my adlibs at the end of OUR song. He even made it seem like I was actually wrong for doing what I did and he spoke to me with a tone that said, "You dummy, you should have known not to do that."

A few days later, after not having spoken with my friend at all since the concert, the silent tension surfaced and we had a heated discussion in the music classroom about what had happened at the concert. I don't remember the details of the conversation but what I do remember and quite clearly is me saying, "I'm used to being hated. Everybody hates me." And I remember believing that about myself for a long period of time.

In my mind at that time, every instance of rejection, abandonment and disappointment I had ever experienced, fed my belief that I was hated. And being a person so full of love with not an ounce of hatred in his heart for anyone, but a genuine heart of compassion and understanding, I could not understand for the life of me, why I was "hated" by so many people. Something wasn't adding up. Either way, I didn't like this feeling. It SUCKED. The only person whose heart towards me I never had to question was my mother who had already been gone for five and a half years at the time of this occurrence. So in my mind, I was alone and because I felt loved by no one, by default, my perception was that I was hated by everyone.

*sigh*

Unfortunately, this feeling of being hated has to a certain extent defined a significant portion of my life. Granted, I am a strong person who has overcome quite a number of obstacles and there are very few things that I feel like I cannot do and/or deal with. Being hated, is one of the those things. The only reason this is, is because I HATE NO ONE. I have such a heart to love everybody just like Jesus did and the fact that people hated Him/hate me in spite of His/my loving them is torture-some to me. And I can't understand how if you reap what you sew and I've sown countless seeds of love, why am I reaping hate?? I mean, clearly I'm not perfect and I make plenty mistakes but my intentions are pure because I have a heart to love. Because I have for so long lacked the self-confidence that Jesus had, I did the only thing I knew how which has turned out to be extremely unhealthy for me: I have learned to micro-manage impressions.

For the next few years of my life, I did everything in my power to avoid the feeling of being hated, by all means necessary. I would go out of my way to take care of and satisfy other people in making sure they were happy with me for the simple purpose of avoiding being hated. I was even voted in my high school yearbook as Most Helpful because of the extent I was willing to go to, to make people happy with me. Ultimately, I lost every sense of my own identity and became defined by the things I did for people that would cause them to validate and affirm me for the goodness in my heart that would keep them from hating me. As a result of this, I literally lost any and every sense of self that could help me learn, love and accept me for who I am. I became a social puppet who controlled my own strings attached to making other people happy. As a result, I am miserable.

I'm at a place now in my life where I'm in a whirlwind of questions that I've not been able to find the answers to. I'm 25 years old and I remember determining at the beginning of this year (see my first blog entry below) that I wasn't going to allow myself to remain in my own way of my success but that I would embrace the possibilities of my future and walk it out starting in this my 25th year of life. The year is almost over and in a couple months, I'll be 26 and I've realized that I'm STUCK in the same position because I'm still more focused on making OTHER PEOPLE happy than I am with making myself happy and pursuing my OWN dreams. And I am miserable.

I am full of dreams, visions, desires and plans and I have come so close to seeing some of them materialize but they haven't because my attention is more on pleasing others than pleasing myself. Don't get me wrong, with my life I have a responsibility to please God and I have devoted my entire life to doing so, but I realize that my priorities are a little out of whack. Behind pleasing God, my focus has been on pleasing others even to the point of literally losing myself to satisfy and exceed people's expectations of me. And I have been taken advantage of. People and organizations I have worked tirelessly for have minimally appreciated me and it's not their fault. It's my own. You teach people how to treat you. I have taught them that it's OK to expect the world of me and that I will deliver and exceed their expectations, get this: FOR NO PAY. All I wanted was some sort of their affirmation and most times, I didn't even get that. So I end up giving ALL of me for NOTHING in return. This is a problem and it needs to be resolved.

Something has to change. Time is not on my side and I have too much work to do to be doing nothing for myself. I want to see MY dreams come true. I want my visions to materialize. I want to own something for myself and my future family. Most importantly, I want to be happy; independent of any and everyone else. Herein lies my new journey: The Journey of ME. If this offends you or makes you call me arrogant, cocky, selfish or whatever, YOU deal with it. It's no longer my problem. It's MY time to shine.

Listen

Stop.



Look.



Listen.



Can you hear that?? Those are the cries of your friends, associates, family members, co-workers, colleagues, enemies, pastors, teachers, professors and leaders for someone to NOTICE that they are hurting. The only reason they're acting the way they are is because they need someone to say to them:

"Hey, I see you and I know that things are not as well as you want them to be right now but you're not alone. You've got a friend in me who will listen to you and try to understand where you are and how you're feeling. And even though I may not be able to provide you with a solution, I can hold your hand throughout the process and lend you my shoulder for you to cry on. I can give you my ears and be patient with you when you're acting out of your frustration because I know that you're having a tough time. Not that I'm going to baby you, but I will be a friend to you. Why you ask?? Because truth be told, I'm hurting too. And I need someone to do for me what I'm doing for you. I'm honestly hoping that being strong with and for you will open the door for someone to see that I'm a little weak myself and need the strength of another to help me through. Can you hear me?? Can you see me?? Please. Help me."

Don't feel guilty and start tweeting about how sad and sorry you are when you find out that someone you know is now gone after YOU were one of the ones they reached out to for help while you ignored their cry for being blinded by your own eyes. It's too late. YOU'RE too late. Stop being so damn selfish. We ALL need someone.

Pay attention.

You could be the help that you're looking for. What goes around...

JUST for YOU.

Fourteen years ago today I lost the love of my life, my best friend and the woman who loved me the most in this world. You would think that after fourteen years of dealing with her physical absence things should be getting easier and easier to handle. Not so. The more time moves on with her living in eternity while I'm stuck here in time without her, the harder it becomes to deal with; if for no other reason than simply wondering what my life would be like if she were still here.

Losing her changed my life. It made me wise and it gave me a strength I never knew I could possess. That brings me to what I want to share with you who are reading this today. What if everything that happened to or around in you in your life was designed to make you better??

I had a conversation with my younger brother Martin yesterday and we were talking about dealing with loneliness and how challenging it is for us to accept that emotion as a means for growth. After buidling him and celebrating him for the ground he has covered in relentlessly pursuing his dreams, he told me that I see things in him that he doesn't see himself. My response to him was that I spend more time looking at and paying attention to what's beneath the surface as opposed to what most others spend time focusing on which is the surface itself.

I told him how my tendency to do that makes me somewhat of an outcast because most times, most people simply want to enjoy the company of their friends without feeling challenged, even if it carries with it the potential to make them better. Herein lies my own reasoning for why my friends, close and distant are generally not always "thrilled" to have me around and is also probably why I often don't get invited to the more relaxed social gatherings that they have. This doesn't upset me, it just shows me who I am. It also makes me accept the fact that who I am and how I see is necessary for where I'm going. That doesn't necessarily mean that I have to push my friends away because we're not going to the same destination but it does mean that I have to understand and accept that where I'm going, they might not be able to come. My process is taking me to my destiny. Relationships along the way are only benefits to the journey not the substance of it.

Anyway, I went on to share with him that there comes a time in all of our lives where we desperately need the substance of understanding. Because I am the friend that I seek, it would be hypocritical of me to not study, learn, listen and pay attention to my friends, their language, their situations and circumstances and not be a resource to providing them with said understanding as it becomes necessary and feasible to share with them. More importantly, having a direct relationship with God provides me with even further access to understanding because in my prayer time, God shows me myself first and then He shows me my friends as extensions and/or representations of me and in so doing, causes me to see things in/about them that can help them grow and become better human beings.

When I was a kid and first began developing a relationship with Jesus Christ, I asked Him to help me to grow to be the BEST possible man I can be. Reflecting on my life today, I can't help but see that everything that has happened throughout my life has been directly correlated with that prayer. Specifically, losing my mom as a very young boy placed me in a pursuit to find Truth, Love understanding and wisdom all of which I am continuing to find as I live.

The question that remains is: would I be who I am if I never lost her?? The answer is a clear and concise NO. Losing her was designed by God to make me BETTER and more productive as a human being.

What is it that you're facing that is by no means pleasurable to you or the atmosphere around you?? Could it be that this situation is designed to build you and make you better?? Or do you think that life has just by happenstance dealt you a bad hand??

NOTHING happens by chance. There are no accidents. Take a deeper look into what's happening IN you as a result of what's going on AROUND you and change your perspective from focusing outward to focusing inward. Everything you are facing is designed JUST for YOU. Accept it.

When you know better, you do better. When you do better, you can BE better.

Love and Peace.

Hello Rejection

For years after my mom died, I struggled with a need to be affirmed in everything I did. Affirming me was a privilege that she reserved for her love and her love alone. It was an effective process that kept me alive and happy.

Psycholgists have studied how an individual's disabilities and insecurities translate into their behavioral belief system and have reached frighteningly accurate summations. In my case, because I have one less finger than most other humans, my "disability" has translated into my believing that I'm not enough to measure up to others' level of success; even if that success is defined as being a "normal" human being.

No matter how much I've grown over the past 14 years, there remains a subtly gaping hole in my heart where her love and affirmation once resided. Feelings of incompetence, inadequacy and insufficiency have unfortunately satisfied the said hunger in my heart, created by the tapeworm of neglect.  They've consistently reminded me of how consistent they are in my life and in actuality, they've been the second most consistent force over my lifetime, second in line to my mother's love.

With these feelings, the effects of rejection (as often as it happens) are magnified in my mind and because of the feelings that frequently surface through my emotions and ultimately my words, I have created an expectation of rejection, failure, incompetence, inadequacy and insufficiency that has materialized in my own lack of belief in my own capabilities, without needing someone to say "Good job man" or "Dude, you're good enough."

No more.

In conjunction with Kirk Franklin's relationship with Fear and its termination by the welcoming of Grace, I hereby renounce my relationship with Rejection and embrace the Love of Self and the application of Confidence in every area of my life.

Rejection: you may very well still visit me from time to time and you're welcome to, only because you make me stronger and give me ammunition to keep fighting. But as for indefinitely living in that space in my heart that was once occupied by love and affirmation, consider yourself evicted. Tell your friends that I've moved on and they're no longer welcomed here. Pack your stuff and bounce.

I'm DONE.

Facebook Etiquette 101

Facebook. 

It's changed the way we communicate with our world and has provided us a platform to share the most precious moments of our lives as well as our personal/professional endeavors. Kudos.

But how often do you log into your facebook account to find yourself attached to information that has absolutely NOTHING to do with you?? How often does your phone vibrate with notifications about invitations to an event that is taking place in another state?? How often do you have to untag yourself from photos that you are NOT in?? Clearly, while facebook has many benefits to its existence and can be quite resourceful to anyone's personal and professional development, when it is misused, it causes its constituents to be frustrated, annoyed and extremely bothered by others' lack of consideration. 

Hence, I have put together this guideline outlining the Top 10 Things NOT to do on Facebook. Hopefully you'll read, share and help get the word out to your friends so that their activity on facebook doesn't annoy you any more. ;-)

Top 10 Things NOT to do on Facebook

1. DO NOT tag people in pictures that they are physically not in. I understand marketing your product or service with fliers and such however, at most, you should post the flier on an individual's wall so that they can determine whether or not they want to partake in whatever it is that you are offering. Be considerate.

2. When creating an event, don't "Select All" and invite your entire  friends list to your event. Invite the people that are first and foremost IN YOUR AREA. Unless your event is being marketed to a national audience, reduce your invitees to your local market. I know a lot of us think and dream big, and we tend to think that our events are significant enough for everyone in the world to attend but we all know, that isn't the case. You'll get more people to come or at least pay attention to your event if you invite the people who are RELEVANT to the event you are throwing. Be considerate.

3. DO NOT market your product or service by creating a massive message thread to your friends' list. This is probably the most annoying of all. What happens is, EVERY time someone responds within that message thread, EVERYONE included in it gets a notification. When there are 50 people included and all 50 of them are responding, the notifications are endless and quite annoying. Share your links by sending a personal message INDIVIDUALLY to your friends. This provides personal contact with your friends and helps them appreciate your time in reaching out directly to them for their opinion or sharing. Better yet post your link on YOUR OWN wall for your friends to see. This ends up helping you because when people see what you've shared on your own profile in their newsfeed, if they like what they see, it'll drive them to your profile to see what else you're doing and spark an interest in them to keep up with your endeavors. Be considerate.

4. When commenting on a status update, if your comment leads to a personal conversation with anyone else involved in or on that status, take the conversation directly to the person's wall or inbox. This also creates irrelevant and unnecessary notifications to others who may have commented on the status to express their like or dislike of whatever was posted. Be considerate.

5. DO NOT add anyone to ANY group without their expressed permission. PERIOD.

6. Concerning external applications, don't invite your friends just because you think you have to. Be cautious of the fact that because you may be interested in any of the thousands of applications there are on facebook, does NOT mean that your friends list will be interested in them as well. When you join or allow another application access to your information on facebook, the application always asks you to select whom of your friends you'd like to share the application with. Additionally, there is ALWAYS an option that says "Skip Invitations." Familiarize yourself with that option. Be considerate.

7. DO NOT tag people in posts or status updates that have nothing to do with them. Again, in marketing your event, product or service, post a link on YOUR OWN profile or at most on your strategically selected friend's profile to help get the word out about whatever it is you're offering. Be considerate.

8. It's your prerogative what you say in your own status updates but for the sake of facebook being a SOCIAL AND PROFESSIONAL NETWORK, be careful of the personal things you say and or expose about yourself and your life. Your business is not every or anyone else's. Never underestimate the power of a good old-fashioned phone call or modern day text message to maintain some degree of privacy and integrity. Be considerate.

9. DO NOT friend request people you DO NOT know or have not met UNLESS you preface the request with a message indicating why you think the connect is necessary and/or relevant to both parties involved. Be considerate. 

10. Lastly for now, keep in mind that while YOUR facebook profile is YOURS indeed, EVERYTHING you say/do within this social networking site is a DIRECT reflection of the person you are. There is no hiding it. Everything you say, post, share, create, comment on etc. directly reflects who you are and how others perceive you. That's the point of SOCIAL NETWORKING. Be AWARE.

The most important lesson of this guideline is obviously to BE CONSIDERATE of your facebook friends. I know we tend to think that because what we're doing/sharing is the most important thing in OUR OWN world at any given time, that it'll be just as important to our friends and associates but realistically speaking... you know. 

By no means am I saying don't share your moments and endeavors with the people around you but I am encouraging all of us who share bits and pieces of our lives on facebook to BE CONSIDERATE in HOW we share what we share with our friends and network. I promise, if nothing else, you'll attract friends to your business or endeavors as opposed to annoying people and running them away, because you'll let them maintain the control of their own page. In the end, they'll also respect you more. ;-)

Hope this helps us all make more efficient use of our facebook profiles. 

***DISCLAIMER***

In the words of one of my favorite artists, "Don't be offended, this is all my opinion. Ain't nothing that I'm saying law..." ;-)  

~AlwaysAaronA~

www.twitter.com/AlwaysAaronA

Excerpt #2 from "A Story and a Song"

Why Me?

    I’m an honest person.  I’ve learned how to be honest with myself which has helped me be honest with the people around me.  I have learned how to listen and in doing so have learned how to take criticism and chastisement very well.  In spite of being very hard on myself as I am, I have learned and am yet learning to make mistakes, fix them and keep it moving.  That’s hard for me because I despise making mistakes, especially simple ones that are easily avoidable with the “common” sense of paying attention.  The learning of these principles have helped me to live a little better than I would have, had I not learned them; but trust me, the process associated with said learning was by no means easy. 

          As a child, my perspective on everything was extremely limited and confined to me: in how I felt, and how this or that affected MY emotions and what wasn’t done for ME, etc.  I was pretty selfish, but what child isn‘t?  Not to make an excuse for being a particular way but understand: unless a child is taught to consider others outside of themselves, more often than not, the child will be selfish.  And you know, I’ve learned something great about the significance of raising children.  From conception, an embryo begins a never ending process of development.  At birth, the child knows absolutely nothing but its brain begins to process that which it sees through the window of the eyes.  After reaching a certain point in early childhood development, the brain becomes like a concentrated sponge, soaking up all the information it sees and retaining it to be used in some capacity later on.  

          As the child processes all the way to adulthood, he/she is subject to the information presented to him/her throughout the course of their development.  For example, a teenager does in fact, have a mind of his/her own, nonetheless, their thought process is only accountable to what they have seen or experienced up until the point of where they are and the age they are.  Let’s take for instance the skill of driving: it is not mandatory that a child knows how to drive. Children are not qualified to drive as a result of their age.  However, when they become of age, even though they may have spent a lot of time riding in a car, driving it must be taught to them by someone who is skilled in the area.  Prior to the age of accountability in driving, the “know- how” was irrelevant because it is not something that was required of them.  Nor should it be expected that you can just throw a teen in a car by him/herself and expect them to know what they’re doing.

          What am I saying?  When you consider the matriculation of life, from prenatal stages all the way to death, information is always being presented at the time it is most necessary and in some cases, before it is necessary.  I do understand that children today are facing things that some adults never had to face due to the context of each situation.  Nonetheless, as long as there is breath in your body, there is something you do not know, which means that everyone always has the capacity to learn and should humble themselves to learning what is necessary for where they are and/or where they are going. Herein also lies the significance of time and timing (which we’ll discuss a little later).

           This is why it is utterly important that parents be extremely careful and sensitive to the things they allow their children to see and/or experience because the learning associated with what they see, at the time they see it will affect them for the rest of their lives.  I do understand that some situations are beyond our control, but it seems as though parents are no longer taking much responsibility for what they allow their children to experience.  I mean no disrespect and no harm to anyone’s style of parenting and no, I do not have children. I do however, pay attention to the behavior and relations of parents with their children.  I also take the time to listen to the children with whom I interact on a regular basis.  If you ever want to win a child over, show them that you genuinely care for them AND listen to them.  All I’m suggesting is for parents to be careful of the things they allow their children to encounter because it shapes their personality and behavior for the rest of their lives.  The mind of a child is no home for irrelevant information.

          The relevance of the aforementioned to me is this, the majority of the information with which I have been presented up until this very point as a twenty- three year old man has been beyond my age.  As a child (and I’ll get into this a little bit more later), by way of circumstances I was forced to learn things that I believe no child should have to learn as such.  What ended up making me as opposed to breaking me, was the fact that I had spiritual guidance via a relationship with God that ushered me to where I am today.  My heart goes out to individuals, children and adults alike, who don’t have said guidance and lash out in ways that they CAN control for the lack of not being able to get a handle on the information presented to them that is beyond their place of understanding.  How they digest this information can propel them to success or deem them to destruction.

          In my case, the largest piece of information presented to my fragile mind that shaped my entire life took place on August 1, 1997 at 10:17a.m.  It is the morning that my best friend; my mother traded her life on this earth for a better one in heaven.  For a child, ANY child, this information plus the lack of understanding without any type of spiritual guidance or means to an understanding can be detrimental to their existence.  It almost meant mine totally.  When my mom passed, I lost the only person in this world who I knew loved all of me just as I was, and embraced me when most others, seemingly rejected me.  In my mind, at the time that she left, there was no reason for me to stick around.  I had to be where she was so that I could be loved and accepted.  Little did I know, that this occurrence was the beginning of the lesson of my life.

My First Memory: An Excerpt from "A Story and A Song"

My First Memory

The following excerpt is taken from an article called “On Early Memories” in Psychoanalytic Electronic Publishing which is a digital archive of classic psychoanalytic texts, authored by Leon J. Saul, M.D., Thoburn R. Snyder, Jr., M.D. and Edith Sheppard, M.D.:

'Earliest memories' or 'first memories' are terms used in psychoanalytic therapy to designate those few isolated recollections which usually precede the beginning of continuous remembrance. Almost without exception, people report the beginning of continuous memory at a certain approximate age, but usually a very few fragmentary images can be revived from much earlier times.

Continuous memory is stated to begin at different ages by different individuals, but usually not much before the age of five. An occasional person can remember nothing prior to so late an age as nine; sometimes no very early isolated memories either, but this is the rare exception. It is not unusual for a first memory to go back to the age of two years and even before.

Can you think of your earliest memory? *chuckling* I’m laughing because I’m imagining you taking a break from reading to actually try to recall your first memory. Really though, think about it. What is the first thing you remember about your life? Fact is, most people can’t even bring to their conscious mind what their actual first memory is. A lot of memories are suppressed into our subconscious and unless it is triggered by an occurrence that is exactly where it will stay.

Anyway, my first memory is not so great although considering the family from which I come, it could have been. Unfortunately however, my first memory is somewhat negative. I can’t forget it: I was in my crib in our house in the Bronx (yes, I remember that far), and my elder brothers Aubrey and Andrew were in the living room on the floor playing. We are each a year (and some change) apart. My mother, Sharon Faith Howden- Adams was in her room keeping an eye on us. Now, the only thing that separated my parents’ room from the living room at that time was a thin, see-through olive green curtain that we had apparently had for ages. Often when mommy was watching us, she’d keep the curtain open so she could see the television in the living room while she was cleaning or folding clothes. So while Aubrey and Andrew were on the floor playing, mommy asked them if they wanted me to play with them. She came and picked me up out of my crib and I don’t know why I remember it like this, but it was as if somebody had pushed the slow- motion button on the remote of time and I could clearly see my brothers screaming and waving their hands, mouthing, “NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” It’s actually pretty funny to think about from where I sit now.

It seems harmless. It seems as something that should not have had such an indelible impact on my perspective of social situations, but it did. You see, learning is defined as a change in behavior as a result of an experience (thanks Dr. Duane Jackson - Learning and Memory professor). In other words, learning is efficient when a subject actually changes its behavior after its soul (the mind, the emotions and the personality) experiences an agent that triggers the adjustment. In this particular case, the experience that I had was one of rejection; the first “seed” of such that was sewn at such an early age and by the mere fact that I can remember it so clearly indicates that I, in a sense, prematurely learned what rejection is. That’s not something that any baby should have to deal face, but I did. Little did I know that rejection would become one of those “keeping it real” kind of friends to me that you don’t particularly always care to be around. Even so, she became one of my closest friends because of how much time we spent together.

This Headache

I have a headache.

I'd like to think that it's a side affect of the allergy medicine I've been taking but I'm pretty sure it's not. This headache is different. This headache has a root of pain that is not physical. This headache is a symbol of my weariness.

The pursuit of one's dream is a GRUESOME PROCESS that can be tiring, draining, frustrating, time-consuming, painful and altogether UNFORTUNATE. It takes an extremely strong person to know what they want and to pursue it relentlessly until it manifests. But even those of us who are strong get weak at times and lose the will to fight until we break through.

Take me for example. I am a great singer and writer. Say what you will.... (True humility lies in knowing oneself, the context thereof and remaining true to that knowledge by any means necessary). Furthermore, I am avidly passionate about singing, songwriting and everything creative. I've been writing songs since I was 14 and I've been singing since I came out of my mother's womb. Music is one of the greatest assets to my life and without it, I would be the most miserable person ever. I've spent the last 11 years of my life studying and learning how to be a better singer and writer and I have dedicated my life to being a student of music. I've been fortunate to foster a few relationships that have significantly helped  me on my journey and I have been even more fortunate to have mentors who pay attention to my voice and my music and respond to me with the necessary feedback to make me better. People like Kevin Bond, PJ Morton, VaShawn Mitchell and my "dad" Donnie "D-Major" Boynton all have contributed to my development in ways that most may never know but I've finally reached the place of being emotionally stuck in this pursuit.

What is the success system for "making it" in the music industry?? If someone can tell me, I promise I'll apply it and watch it work! If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times: "Work the system and the system will work for you." So what is this system?? Who created it?? How can I make this system work for me??

I've had a pretty tough life. I mean, who hasn't?? The problem though is that I've learned throughout the course of my existence that I'm not good enough. You'll have to read my book to get the full scoop on where this ideology comes from but this is something that my life experiences has taught me. Last night, I almost got stuck in accepting this fact as truth and it almost destroyed me. I wanted to give up. I wanted to stop writing, stop singing and stop believing.

The one thing that I don't doubt I'm good enough at to do without any question is singing background. I'm not the best singer in the world by far but when it comes to understanding the role, the responsibility and the art of singing background, I've learned it. Granted, I'm ALWAYS learning but I have a solid enough foundation to continue singing background on the professional level as I have been for the past 4 or so years. I've been fortunate to sing background for and share the stage with some amazing artists over the past few years including Tye Tribbett, Israel Houghton, JJ Hairston, VaShawn Mitchell, Ted Winn, Jonathan Nelson, Sheri Jones-Moffett, Darwin Hobbs, Earnest Pugh, Jennifer Holliday, Angie Stone, Eric Roberson and many others but I've not found "my place" with any of these artists. Does that mean I'm not good enough??

I have a LOT of friends in the industry who are doing some AMAZING things with some AMAZING people. I know I shouldn't but from time to time, I can't help but compare myself to them in an attempt to understand what makes them "stick" to their opportunities while I'm tossed from one random opp to the next when a temporary need is created. I'm by NO means jealous of my friends. I support each of them as they deserve to be supported. But... What about me??

Hence this headache. I'm looking for the opportunity that's going to "put me on the map" but right now I'm so far off the map, I don't even know how to BEGIN being found. Smh. How do I combat these thoughts of incompetence when I have nothing weighty enough to fight with?? Where is my chance to prove myself wrong; saying that I am good enough to write a song for a major artist and have them fall in love with it enough to pick it up, record it and release it as a single?? Where is my opportunity to sing background for that one artist that I FIT with who is already established and is willing to make me a "permanent" part of their team?? Where is that phone call that changes my life forever?? Where is that voice that says, "Aaron, you are good enough to do all that you've set out to do in this industry and you will"??

Well, that voice is this headache. This headache is bringing me closer to my dreams than I have ever been in my life and because of this headache, I REFUSE to quit. I WILL NOT allow my own insecurities and inhibitions to destroy the hope of my future. I have to fight on. And if this headache has to be a part of who I am until I win, so be it.

This headache is serving as an indicator that my journey is REAL. Just like it's better to feel pain than it is to be numb which is in indication that you might be paralyzed, I'd much rather feel this pain than to feel nothing at all. This pain is REAL. Which means that this process is REAL. Which means that my destiny is REAL. Which means that I WILL get there sooner or later. Even though it's trying, I'm not going to let this headache ruin my vision.

In fact, I love this headache.

~AlwaysAaronA~

My Prayer

Nothing else needs to be said other than what is said. My heart.

--

Father God in the name of Jesus.

I plead the BLOOD of JESUS over every single solitary pastor, apostle, evangelist, prophet, teacher, bishop, minister and CHRISTIAN on the face of the earth.

I pray that you would begin to speak directly to each of us to where YOUR voice and YOUR words are UNMISTAKEABLE.

I pray that YOU would deal with YOUR leaders ALL ACROSS THE GLOBE and that YOU bring RESTORATION and ORDER in YOUR kingdom.

I pray that YOUR Spirit would assume its proper place at the zenith of ALL things that represent YOU.

I pray that YOUR blood covers, keeps and restores so that the exhibition of YOUR heart is UNTAINTED.

I pray that YOU raise up leaders in the Body of Christ who are ENTIRELY GOVERNED by YOUR SPIRIT and YOUR SPIRIT ALONE.

I pray that people who don't know You come to find you via experiences with YOU directly and that their relationship with You develops through hearing YOUR voice on a regular basis.

I pray that YOU remove the antics, games, colloquialisms, manipulation, distractions and IMMATURITY that blocks ppl frm coming to know YOU in the pardoning of their sins.

I pray that YOU bring RESTORATION and ORDER to Your house and Your kingdom BY ANY MEANS necessary.

I pray that you use these natural disasters to speak to people all over the world and direct them to YOU.

I intercede on behalf of those who don't know how to communicate with YOU.

I pray that they learn of YOU and that YOU become their place of REFUGE and SALVATION.

I plead the BLOOD of JESUS over every person who decides that it's ok to use YOU to cope or deal with their own insecurities and issues.

I plead the BLOOD of JESUS over every church in this world that holds You at the helm but does not demonstrate YOUR character.

I pray that You raise up leaders who are DEAD to themselves so that YOU can live through them.

I pray for Grace and Mercy to flood YOUR Body and that YOUR TRUE, UNADULTERATED, UNCONDITIONAL, UNWAVERING, UNFAULTED, UNFAILING and UNRESTRAINED LOVE sweep this earth in EVERY imaginable way.

I pray for those that reject YOU for not knowing YOU and that You use whomever/whatever You need to convince them of Your Love for them.

I pray for the leaders of this world that they become sensitive to Your voice and Your move and that they innately know how to handle the issues with which they are presented at the appropriate time.

I pray that in the midst of these natural disasters that are sweeping the earth, YOU use them to yield souls to Your kingdom.

And I pray when the souls come that they not be turned away by people and issues that have rejected Your character.

I PLEAD THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Father finally, I pray that You use Your existing wrath at YOUR discretion.

In the name of Jesus the Christ.

AMEN. 

~AlwaysAaronA~

PROCESS

Do you remember being in your high school math class and in moments of frustration for not understanding the material, you ask the question, “How is this going to help me in the future??” Yeah, I know… I asked the same thing. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered that while we may not need the content of what we were learning at the time, the principle was far more valuable than I ever imagined it would be.

I like math. Didn’t always, but that was before I discovered that I was capable of learning it well enough to succeed in its classes. One of the things I’ll never forget from algebra is PEMDAS: Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally. ;-) That was how we remembered it, but the acronym really stands for Parentheses, Exponents, Multiply, Divide, Add and Subtract. This is the correct formula for solving long-winded problems in algebra. Being the undisclosed rebel I sometimes am, I at times challenged this formula and tried to solve the problems my own way, forsaking the provided and proven formula. I soon discovered that doing it my way continuously lead me to the wrong solution but when I followed the provided formula, I would end up with the correct answer. All I had to do was submit to the process.

Such is my life. As a creative mind who enjoys thinking outside the proverbial box (hence my untold rebellion), I LOATHE the process that I have not chosen for or brought upon myself. I know that we as humans like to be in control and we feel to a certain extent threatened when we don’t have it but seriously thinking about it, do I REALLY want COMPLETE control of my life and everything that happens in it?? Especially considering the fact that I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me or my world… That’s a TON of responsibility that I, in particular am not willing to carry; especially when I have a real live relationship with the One who is in FULL control of EVERYTHING, even the purposeful creation of me. It doesn’t make sense to me to challenge His control. #myopinion

Everybody’s process is different. Each individual’s process prepares them for where they need to go (destiny). Not to compare mine with that of anyone else but my process is more difficult than I care for. Especially since it challenges the timeline I wanted/expected for my life. And the more I live, the harder my process gets. What’s most frustrating is that what my process has produced in me is not visible to the naked eye. However, for the success that will one day be mine, this process is absolutely necessary. And what it has produced and is producing in me carries enough weight to keep me grounded as I see and experience more responsibility throughout the vertical success of my career.

So what do I do?? Do I fight the process or let it take its course?? Which is more important: how I feel and where I am right now or where I see myself in the future?? Honestly, I’m more concerned with the hope of my future than my unfortunate present. Which is more important to you??

Love the process. It has your back. ;-)

Reflections

January 26, 2011

Seventy-two hours ago I turned twenty-five years old. It was more of a turning point than I expected it to be; so much so that a celebration on the actual day was not called for. Don’t get me wrong, I did celebrate the night before and am supposed to go out with my family tomorrow night since I wasn’t with them. But on my actual birthday (and a few weeks prior) I was positioned to REFLECT.

In my time of reflection I paid attention to some things that I’ve noticed within me that has seemingly inhibited me from becoming the vision that I have seen for myself through the eyes of God. They are issues that seemed to me to be minuscule and irrelevant to my general productivity but as I see it now, I was COMPLETELY wrong.

For a long time, I have sheltered insecurities and a lack of confidence and belief in myself for what I desire, am able to and should be doing with my life. I had no idea how significant of a role these insecurities and lack of confidence would play in my lack of productivity. While I have learned to look in the mirror and take responsibility for that which I see, I have never learned to ACCEPT and DEAL WITH what I see which has inhibited me from being productive for me and the vision for my life. No more.

Here’s what I learned, it’s too easy to avoid the mirror and devote your time and attention to the people around you whose success you want to connect with and ride on. This is exactly what I did: I discovered something I was good at, found people who needed what I had and devoted myself wholly to their cause and their benefit, often for SEEMINGLY nothing in return. The problem with this was that their success was just that, THEIR success. Even though I may have contributed in one way or another, I could not claim ownership of their success because it wasn’t mine.

After realizing that I was producing nothing for myself in these endeavors, I figured something must be wrong. And it was. Not that I didn’t acquire training, experience and relationships through these dealings because I absolutely did. What I didn’t get however was the stability and security of a success to call “my own.” No more.

Twenty-five is a monumental age for me. As many times as I’d tried to commit suicide growing up, it’s remarkable that I’m still here. While my former perspective was pitiful for not having anything to call my own through my inability to find a decent job or consistent income of any kind, I have been forced to ask myself the following question: What can you do differently?? I’m sure we’ve all heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results which I have apparently mastered (Yes, I just called myself insane- at least I used to be). No more.

I’ve decided to adjust my professional perspective from solely helping others in devoting time, effort, energy and sometimes even money (that I don’t have) to actively and strategically developing a plan of execution for the vision that is my life. One of the first parts of this plan is getting my autobiography released and accessible to the world which I believe will establish my authentic place in it as a conduit for positivity, productivity and perseverance. This is not something I can do or plan to do on my own but I believe that God will honor my employed faith by sending the right team of people to bring it to life and it will come to pass.

As for my insecurities and former lack of confidence in myself, it’s a daily process to not allow them to control me and my decisions so I wrote a daily confession that I’m challenging myself to speak out loud everyday to keep these parasites under control. This year will be the GREATEST year of my life and I am determined to see it manifest as such by any means necessary. Time to move forward. This time, for me.

Daily Confession

 I AM COMPETENT

I AM CONFIDENT

I AM CAPABLE OF SUCCEEDING

INSECURITIES NO LONGER CLOAK ME

FEAR NO LONGER HOLDS ME

DOUBT IS FAR BENEATH ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED.

I BELIEVE IN ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED.

I BELIEVE IN ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED.

I BELIEVE IN ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED!!!!!