Reflections

January 26, 2011

Seventy-two hours ago I turned twenty-five years old. It was more of a turning point than I expected it to be; so much so that a celebration on the actual day was not called for. Don’t get me wrong, I did celebrate the night before and am supposed to go out with my family tomorrow night since I wasn’t with them. But on my actual birthday (and a few weeks prior) I was positioned to REFLECT.

In my time of reflection I paid attention to some things that I’ve noticed within me that has seemingly inhibited me from becoming the vision that I have seen for myself through the eyes of God. They are issues that seemed to me to be minuscule and irrelevant to my general productivity but as I see it now, I was COMPLETELY wrong.

For a long time, I have sheltered insecurities and a lack of confidence and belief in myself for what I desire, am able to and should be doing with my life. I had no idea how significant of a role these insecurities and lack of confidence would play in my lack of productivity. While I have learned to look in the mirror and take responsibility for that which I see, I have never learned to ACCEPT and DEAL WITH what I see which has inhibited me from being productive for me and the vision for my life. No more.

Here’s what I learned, it’s too easy to avoid the mirror and devote your time and attention to the people around you whose success you want to connect with and ride on. This is exactly what I did: I discovered something I was good at, found people who needed what I had and devoted myself wholly to their cause and their benefit, often for SEEMINGLY nothing in return. The problem with this was that their success was just that, THEIR success. Even though I may have contributed in one way or another, I could not claim ownership of their success because it wasn’t mine.

After realizing that I was producing nothing for myself in these endeavors, I figured something must be wrong. And it was. Not that I didn’t acquire training, experience and relationships through these dealings because I absolutely did. What I didn’t get however was the stability and security of a success to call “my own.” No more.

Twenty-five is a monumental age for me. As many times as I’d tried to commit suicide growing up, it’s remarkable that I’m still here. While my former perspective was pitiful for not having anything to call my own through my inability to find a decent job or consistent income of any kind, I have been forced to ask myself the following question: What can you do differently?? I’m sure we’ve all heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results which I have apparently mastered (Yes, I just called myself insane- at least I used to be). No more.

I’ve decided to adjust my professional perspective from solely helping others in devoting time, effort, energy and sometimes even money (that I don’t have) to actively and strategically developing a plan of execution for the vision that is my life. One of the first parts of this plan is getting my autobiography released and accessible to the world which I believe will establish my authentic place in it as a conduit for positivity, productivity and perseverance. This is not something I can do or plan to do on my own but I believe that God will honor my employed faith by sending the right team of people to bring it to life and it will come to pass.

As for my insecurities and former lack of confidence in myself, it’s a daily process to not allow them to control me and my decisions so I wrote a daily confession that I’m challenging myself to speak out loud everyday to keep these parasites under control. This year will be the GREATEST year of my life and I am determined to see it manifest as such by any means necessary. Time to move forward. This time, for me.

Daily Confession

 I AM COMPETENT

I AM CONFIDENT

I AM CAPABLE OF SUCCEEDING

INSECURITIES NO LONGER CLOAK ME

FEAR NO LONGER HOLDS ME

DOUBT IS FAR BENEATH ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED.

I BELIEVE IN ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED.

I BELIEVE IN ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED.

I BELIEVE IN ME

AND I BELIEVE I WILL SUCCEED!!!!!